The way in which we wait

Please hold.
So begins the incessant tone of the machine
No one on the other side picks up
So I wait, for indication and validation.
I don’t do anything but wait anymore
Except of course, trying to receive an answer.
I’m afraid of leaving, in the slightest chance
That someone might answer and I’m absent.
What if, someone picks up and they realise.
So I hold, as I am told, because I am told
That soon, someone will reply.
I trust that someone will reply.
Like an animal waiting for food,
A day in the waiting room,
The recurring ticking of the second-hand,
And the cyclical changing of the days,
I am told,
Please Hold.

19-08-2008

The greatest satisfaction I get at the end of everyday is crossing off the days on my calender.

Big Dreams

"Does it count if it's only a dream"
- Arundathi Roy, God of Small Things

Cambridge, Prague, Europe, Africa, The Hague, Human Rights, International Law. I have big dreams.
Does it count if they're only dreams. Do our dreams define us or do the proactive actions that follow the intent characterise our identities?
One can be charged for the intent of murder so surely the will must count for something.
But why does it matter if at the end of the day we are all branded failures if we don't get our big dreams.
And is it worth working for these big dreams that probably won't happen. It's so easy to say something so cliche about not being able to get them if you don't try. But what if trying is so hard that you don't think it's worth it anymore. What makes something worth your while. How do I know it's going to be worth my while, and what if it turns out that it isn't. Then will it be worth it because I tried or will it have been wasted for nothing.

I have Big Dreams but I don't think they count.

i think i just forgot myself for two seconds

Great Expectations

It is the expectation exerted onto us that forces us to shape our dreams. It is the private expectation of greatness that leads to the diminishing hope and courage that we hold within. It is from the expectation that our individual expectations are anchored towards. Or are expectations that are built crafted to correlate to the individuals own expectation. And when we succeed, do we pat our backs and congratulate ourselves for achieving our expectations or do we thank those who have chained us to what they have masterminded. And when we fail to reach these expectations, should our minds shrivel up in self-disgust or do we place the blame onto the ones that have created the false idyllic dream.

The need to place the responsibility of blame onto an individual not ourselves is an immensely strong characteristic of humans. The blame game is intensified when we are faulted for our beliefs. Do we start believing even more strongly after we have been condemned because we refuse to accept the conclusion of our argument that has been classified as irrelevant. Is it because of pride that our not-so-hardened revelations have been strengthened by the doubts that are thrown at us. The expectation that what we have deemed to be exquisite and radiant with brilliance will also be deemed to be exquisite and radiant with brilliance by those that have the power to crucify is dangerous.

Expectations should not be the foundation of our goals. Expectations should not be the expected outcome. Great Expectations, however, are one of the most powerful forces that drives the passion and intensity in our lives.

the merging of the ages

a second in time, stolen
captured, immortalized. framed
the creation of a time warp
the catalyst to our pasts
the symbols of moments lost to age.

the eerie gaze from her eyes,
of her soul that has been moved
the untainted smiles and the
plastic pistol you played with
uncontrollable laughter, transferred to me.

an explicit connection between us,
an incomprehensible link between decades
crafted and created
to the finest, intricate detail, by
a photograph.

19-07-08

love and beauty

where you gasped last for breath
the home that we know.
in the most abstract sense,
where i last loved the most.
and there within the mists
of your embrace, i lived.

a dream from my untouched past
of all the pain that i own,
hidden in a shoe box, not locked,
the dream that i know not a dream
forces infinite needles into my soul.
no longer does the smell of your
dried blood linger in my mind.

so you have left the garden,
drifting further to oblivion.
softly Venus whispered slowly,
in the mindless state of ecstasy.
the rest do not feel her beauty
certitude and conviction that i saw
Goddess, return. drive me again
to the sweet rapture you breathe.

"Bad guys lie to get into your bed, good guys lie to get into your heart"
"insert lame quote here because I can't think of any at this moment in time"

I HATE generalizations like these that attempt to put all guys into one category and all girls into a separate one. These lame quotes that frivolous people just love to use as their msn screen names or carve on their hands or whatever are SEXIST. It is ludicrous and demoralizing, not to mention annoying.

I hate it so much when people do this. Especially when a generalization is written by a girl about a guy that has 'broken' her heart. You fool, women have worked so hard to earn their rights in the past and here you are just throwing them away and trampling on their efforts. Feminists from the age of the bra burners did not work so hard just to have people like you move backwards. Every time you make a statement like that it only shows the world, and especially men, your inability to be independent.

So many females, especially girls from the younger generation forget that the world for women wasn't always like this and it still isn't like this for many women in other countries. Women didn't always have the same rights as men do now and there was always gender discrimination against women. Women weren't always allowed to work, and they weren't always allowed to vote and for God's sake they weren't even allowed to be dressed in a certain way without causing a scandal. We can be thankful that times have changed and we have become so accustomed to the fact that women and men are given the same rights that we forget so much to bloody use them. So many girls are just happy to be dumb and vacant, to be beautiful and to just become a trophy wife. Breast enhancements and botox and liposuction. We as a gender are working backwards.

You go to a private girls' school like mine and you realise just how content some girls are being dependent on others. Sometimes it just makes me want to laugh cynically because you hear girls on a rampage of how girls are smarter than boys and what not but then you turn around and the same person just says so loudly "Oh God, I can't change light-bulbs, my dad has to do all of it. It's such a man's job". In what world does changing a friggin light bulb equate to being harder than doing a quadratic formula. Little gender generalized comments like these are sexist and backward. You fight so hard to prove to everyone that girls are smarter than boys but then you just stab yourself in the back when you claim you can't drive a manual car because there are too many things to think about and only guys drive manual cars. There goes that multi-tasking theory.

And that thing so repulsive it makes me want to slap anyone who says it seriously, "Girls never have to pay for anything when they are attached" AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It is the whole dependancy factor once again coming into play. It is a gesture so symbolistic of something from a different era. It symbolizes women not being able to pay for themselves and having to depend on a man to pay for dinner or a movie. You have a job, and even if you don't you get money from your PARENTS SO WHY WHY WHY do you HAVE to insist that the boy has to pay EVERY single time you are out.

And single sex schools, don't even get me started on the impracticality of single sex schools. You are NOT separated by your sex in any other situation in the real world (in a liberal country of course) so why should children be subjugated to being separated based on sex at their most impressionable age. The idea of there always being a separation between the sexes is there in our subconscious.

It is so hard to be independent and to be free of gender generalizations in todays society. There is always something that follows your around, and it is hard to say quite clearly that these generalizations are simply not true. We all want to blame our heartaches on the undeniable difference between women and men but don't we all want to same thing at the end of the day? We are all human. We are driven by our sexuality, our ambition and our dreams. These things that some people see as a separation between the sexes are sometimes merely a matter of contrasting ambitions. Some people just don't want the same things at the same time and this is not because of our sex, it is because we are driven by different things. This contrast has to be stop being explained by just a mere difference in genders so that we can all have a future where our personalities are not determined by what sex we are.