Live and Let Die

The way in which we wait

2008-08-19T01:38:00.000-07:00

Please hold.
So begins the incessant tone of the machine
No one on the other side picks up
So I wait, for indication and validation.
I don’t do anything but wait anymore
Except of course, trying to receive an answer.
I’m afraid of leaving, in the slightest chance
That someone might answer and I’m absent.
What if, someone picks up and they realise.
So I hold, as I am told, because I am told
That soon, someone will reply.
I trust that someone will reply.
Like an animal waiting for food,
A day in the waiting room,
The recurring ticking of the second-hand,
And the cyclical changing of the days,
I am told,
Please Hold.

19-08-2008

2008-08-14T06:04:00.000-07:00

The greatest satisfaction I get at the end of everyday is crossing off the days on my calender.

Big Dreams

2008-08-13T03:50:00.000-07:00

"Does it count if it's only a dream"
- Arundathi Roy, God of Small Things

Cambridge, Prague, Europe, Africa, The Hague, Human Rights, International Law. I have big dreams.
Does it count if they're only dreams. Do our dreams define us or do the proactive actions that follow the intent characterise our identities?
One can be charged for the intent of murder so surely the will must count for something.
But why does it matter if at the end of the day we are all branded failures if we don't get our big dreams.
And is it worth working for these big dreams that probably won't happen. It's so easy to say something so cliche about not being able to get them if you don't try. But what if trying is so hard that you don't think it's worth it anymore. What makes something worth your while. How do I know it's going to be worth my while, and what if it turns out that it isn't. Then will it be worth it because I tried or will it have been wasted for nothing.

I have Big Dreams but I don't think they count.

2008-08-05T05:22:00.001-07:00

i think i just forgot myself for two seconds

Great Expectations

2008-07-31T06:34:00.000-07:00

It is the expectation exerted onto us that forces us to shape our dreams. It is the private expectation of greatness that leads to the diminishing hope and courage that we hold within. It is from the expectation that our individual expectations are anchored towards. Or are expectations that are built crafted to correlate to the individuals own expectation. And when we succeed, do we pat our backs and congratulate ourselves for achieving our expectations or do we thank those who have chained us to what they have masterminded. And when we fail to reach these expectations, should our minds shrivel up in self-disgust or do we place the blame onto the ones that have created the false idyllic dream.

The need to place the responsibility of blame onto an individual not ourselves is an immensely strong characteristic of humans. The blame game is intensified when we are faulted for our beliefs. Do we start believing even more strongly after we have been condemned because we refuse to accept the conclusion of our argument that has been classified as irrelevant. Is it because of pride that our not-so-hardened revelations have been strengthened by the doubts that are thrown at us. The expectation that what we have deemed to be exquisite and radiant with brilliance will also be deemed to be exquisite and radiant with brilliance by those that have the power to crucify is dangerous.

Expectations should not be the foundation of our goals. Expectations should not be the expected outcome. Great Expectations, however, are one of the most powerful forces that drives the passion and intensity in our lives.

the merging of the ages

2008-07-19T06:23:00.000-07:00

a second in time, stolen
captured, immortalized. framed
the creation of a time warp
the catalyst to our pasts
the symbols of moments lost to age.

the eerie gaze from her eyes,
of her soul that has been moved
the untainted smiles and the
plastic pistol you played with
uncontrollable laughter, transferred to me.

an explicit connection between us,
an incomprehensible link between decades
crafted and created
to the finest, intricate detail, by
a photograph.

19-07-08

love and beauty

2008-04-14T05:45:00.000-07:00

where you gasped last for breath
the home that we know.
in the most abstract sense,
where i last loved the most.
and there within the mists
of your embrace, i lived.

a dream from my untouched past
of all the pain that i own,
hidden in a shoe box, not locked,
the dream that i know not a dream
forces infinite needles into my soul.
no longer does the smell of your
dried blood linger in my mind.

so you have left the garden,
drifting further to oblivion.
softly Venus whispered slowly,
in the mindless state of ecstasy.
the rest do not feel her beauty
certitude and conviction that i saw
Goddess, return. drive me again
to the sweet rapture you breathe.

2008-03-29T05:49:00.000-07:00

"Bad guys lie to get into your bed, good guys lie to get into your heart"
"insert lame quote here because I can't think of any at this moment in time"

I HATE generalizations like these that attempt to put all guys into one category and all girls into a separate one. These lame quotes that frivolous people just love to use as their msn screen names or carve on their hands or whatever are SEXIST. It is ludicrous and demoralizing, not to mention annoying.

I hate it so much when people do this. Especially when a generalization is written by a girl about a guy that has 'broken' her heart. You fool, women have worked so hard to earn their rights in the past and here you are just throwing them away and trampling on their efforts. Feminists from the age of the bra burners did not work so hard just to have people like you move backwards. Every time you make a statement like that it only shows the world, and especially men, your inability to be independent.

So many females, especially girls from the younger generation forget that the world for women wasn't always like this and it still isn't like this for many women in other countries. Women didn't always have the same rights as men do now and there was always gender discrimination against women. Women weren't always allowed to work, and they weren't always allowed to vote and for God's sake they weren't even allowed to be dressed in a certain way without causing a scandal. We can be thankful that times have changed and we have become so accustomed to the fact that women and men are given the same rights that we forget so much to bloody use them. So many girls are just happy to be dumb and vacant, to be beautiful and to just become a trophy wife. Breast enhancements and botox and liposuction. We as a gender are working backwards.

You go to a private girls' school like mine and you realise just how content some girls are being dependent on others. Sometimes it just makes me want to laugh cynically because you hear girls on a rampage of how girls are smarter than boys and what not but then you turn around and the same person just says so loudly "Oh God, I can't change light-bulbs, my dad has to do all of it. It's such a man's job". In what world does changing a friggin light bulb equate to being harder than doing a quadratic formula. Little gender generalized comments like these are sexist and backward. You fight so hard to prove to everyone that girls are smarter than boys but then you just stab yourself in the back when you claim you can't drive a manual car because there are too many things to think about and only guys drive manual cars. There goes that multi-tasking theory.

And that thing so repulsive it makes me want to slap anyone who says it seriously, "Girls never have to pay for anything when they are attached" AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It is the whole dependancy factor once again coming into play. It is a gesture so symbolistic of something from a different era. It symbolizes women not being able to pay for themselves and having to depend on a man to pay for dinner or a movie. You have a job, and even if you don't you get money from your PARENTS SO WHY WHY WHY do you HAVE to insist that the boy has to pay EVERY single time you are out.

And single sex schools, don't even get me started on the impracticality of single sex schools. You are NOT separated by your sex in any other situation in the real world (in a liberal country of course) so why should children be subjugated to being separated based on sex at their most impressionable age. The idea of there always being a separation between the sexes is there in our subconscious.

It is so hard to be independent and to be free of gender generalizations in todays society. There is always something that follows your around, and it is hard to say quite clearly that these generalizations are simply not true. We all want to blame our heartaches on the undeniable difference between women and men but don't we all want to same thing at the end of the day? We are all human. We are driven by our sexuality, our ambition and our dreams. These things that some people see as a separation between the sexes are sometimes merely a matter of contrasting ambitions. Some people just don't want the same things at the same time and this is not because of our sex, it is because we are driven by different things. This contrast has to be stop being explained by just a mere difference in genders so that we can all have a future where our personalities are not determined by what sex we are.

Unfinished

2007-12-08T00:33:00.000-08:00

Unfinished. Unsatisfied. Unfulfilled.
I climb; higher this time.
I feel this weight seep through me
and once again, I fall back down.
It looks familiar. Memories rush in to
my mind and I realise. This is
Down to where I started.
I can't help but feel
disorientated and frustration plagues me.

Look, the sun has come; again.

Slow this time.
The air has changed and I breathe
it in with experience.
I memorise this, you, and here.
How long has it been since I last climbed
Too long.
Yes, it has been.
Further, panting and the oxygen overwhelms.
Oh God, I remember.

It seems to have gone dark; again.

And so we slowly travel, fighting
with the inevitable circle.
I don't think you notice. But I do.
You are unfinished. I am unfinished.

Oh, winter has come; again.

Seven

2007-10-28T02:09:00.000-07:00

One scoop. Two scoops. Three
Fill it up - the cup, to the brim
Squeeze out the cream, cream it
Now it's done.
Fill me up, fill me up
Four scoops. Five scoops. Six
More, more, MORE
Give me more
Thick, sweet and so damn hot
But cold, icy cold
Sigh, more
Fill it
Cream, cream, cream
the cream.
harder, push it harder.

2007-10-21T23:17:00.000-07:00

I was complaining (surprise surprise) about my Extended Essay on Saturday and about how hard it was to find sources for my topic. My cousin heard what I said and said to me, "Change your topic then" and I replied to her, "But I really want to write about Leopold". She said very plainly to me, "It isn't about what you want to do, it's about how well you can do in it. It doesn't matter if you don't like it".

I was and still am horrified at the thought of spending 1 years worth of time on something that I am not passionate about. And I think that is the way so many people see things. To get it over with, be done with and just bear with it. And honestly, that is the way I perceive things most of the time; especially with high school. I can't wait to be over and done with with Year 12 I say repeatedly. That phrase just plays over in my mind as often as I think about school and seeing that that is where I spend the majority of my time, I would say a lot. But now that I think about it, doing something just for the sake of doing it and hating every moment of it and not being able to wait for it to end is a horrible way to endure something. Thinking about how long I have left at school, a year and what two months tops is not a long time and will probably be over before I know it.

Passion is I think the one thing in life that I do not want to ever lose. I feel passionately about many things, traveling the world, my animals, reading the great classics of literature and without a doubt the mighty hippy era of music, the 60s. Your passions in life are at the end of it what define you. They are how people remember you and they are the things that leave lasting impressions. Our passions are the things that individualise our lives, moulding it into something original and unprecedented. Because what would our lives be if we were all to do things becasue of 'how well you can do in it'.

But of course, in the end, what are we all aiming for? We try to take safe paths, things that we assume will give us the future we want but I am bloody 17. What do I know? I think that I am so sure what I want to do. I can't even remember now a time where I didn't want to do Arts/Law. And to be honest I am quite sure I want to do Arts/Law but afterwards, after receiving hopefully that degree I have been working nearly half my life to, what will I do. What will I do then. Do we choose the safe path or do we follow our passions and do what we love? Seventeen. Just 17 years of this life and even now I am not sure I am mature enough to choose my own dresses without second opinions.

Passion.

I think that above all things, I will try to the most of my ability to choose what I am passionate about. And I am rather passionate about backpacking in Europe.

2007-10-07T04:44:00.000-07:00

If God has any mercy on me whatsoever he will kill me now

GUESS WHAT BITCHES
Term 4 is starting tomorrow and I want DEATHHHHH

Exams, portfolios, commentaries, even more extended essay, group 4 projects
What is there to live for

I can't decide. VCE IB. VCE IB.
I have 8 weeks to figure out if I can continue doing Maths and Chem.
I am going to have to work so damn hard.

I am so bloody immature I can't even decide.
Here is my plan of attack, I am going to work my arse off this term for Maths and Chem and if I don't get A's in them or convincing B's I will start crying and threatening suicide and then I will definitely do Maths Studies.

That is my fall back plan, Maths studies.

This term is going to be death, I can tell. And then of course the bloody summer where all I will be doing is Extended Essay, CAS, Maths and Chemistry. YOU KNOW WHAT, life is good.

Romance

2007-08-23T02:17:00.001-07:00

I love the concept of flowers on Valentine's Day and long walks in the rain but I think I am way too cynical for it. I love the thought of love being able to make you want to live forever but I would never be able to believe it. And I love the idea of loving someone enough to put them before yourself.

Sometimes I think that the only way to make sure you are safe from the malice of life is to harden yourself; to become cynical and to not believe. That if we don't hope in things that we cannot change then we will not be disappointed by the incompetence of the human race to fulfill promises. Because self interest is human nature and when do we ever think of anyone but ourselves. Men are selfish creatures. So why should I have hope in a race that is selfish and callous.

But then sometimes I think what is there if we don't have hope.

And really, what is this life without a belief in something that drives us; a hope in something that will make us smile.

Is it so bad to want something impossible? It is foolish to have faith?

I mean after all, it is the little things that add depth to our days.

We feed our romantic dreams and we after some time start to believe in things that in this life will not happen. We put our faith in God believing he will give us salvation without knowing of his existence. We do it everyday, believe in things that are not tangible. And everyday we get hurt. By our hopes. Ultimately, by ourselves.

Hawk's Eyes

2007-08-17T05:53:00.000-07:00

We sit there with hawk's eyes;
watching, judging and insulting.
The insidiousness of our behavior is ignored
for it is not out of the ordinary.
People lie, people fight and people talk.
Our trenchant words hurt; not the stones
Those words,
how humiliating and derogatory
They crucify.
those spiteful words
how much they wound.
Those eyes of yours,
burn, shut them, stop
Can they not rest anymore?
Go! Go!
Your lies, they stalk.
This rapacity for fame
Is it worth it?
The idea of infamy arouses your malice
The perverseness of scandal delights our minds
Our cruel corrupted minds.
Who has placed you on a pedestal
to lead and to condemn.
Not I.
The prejudice your decisions invoke sickens
But yet, the animals follow
and the animals believe and the animals preach
The insanity!
Your small minds do not think
the hubris of your world does not allow you thought
Open your eyes,
The vastness of your words does not commensurate your inane thoughts
Think you fools
Think before you slaughter with your words.

Wars and Death

2007-08-12T01:49:00.000-07:00

"When 1 man dies it is a tragedy, when 1 million men die, it is a statistic".
Stalin said this and I can't help but realize how eerily true this statement is. I flip through my history textbooks and read about... I don't some war where 300 people were killed and I think, "That's not that bad, 20 million Russians were killed during WW2. Then we come to the Jews and the Nazi's where 6 million were tortured and murdered, and I think "Well I mean, worse things have happened. Look at the Korean war where 10 million men, women and children were slaughtered".

The shocking amount of people that have died have become mere statistics and I forget to think that those 10 million men were men. They had families and they had homes and they had lives. The grief we feel when one person in our family dies is inconsolable; imagine 10 million families and their grief. Of course, assuming that the families hadn't already died. Imagine the number of generations that ended during those 3 years. Sons that would never have sons, family names dying out and heritage ending.

20 million Russians
6 million Jews
2 million Cambodians
Million

The numbers have gotten so big that I cannot grasp the concept of a million anymore. The illusory concept of 20 million Russians dying is foreign to me. I cannot imagine that amount of people dying. But of course, it happened. History says so.

Men Have Rights Too

2007-08-02T07:44:00.000-07:00

I am completely and utterly convinced that men are used and discriminated against just as much as women are. This is proof of how much more the female sex can whine and make things go colossal. Here are us females going on about how hot as models are used over and over as sex symbols in television advertisements while the same thing happens to men but do they complain? The answer is NO. Screw feminism, what about maninism? Think about all the times you females have used and abused the lack of brains.... ok ok fine, lack of awareness in the opposite sex. Remember sitting at the beach staring at that gorgeous lifeguard wearing nothing but bathers and justifying it by saying 'He loves it'.

And then of course reminds me of the type of female that I despise and feel embarrassed for the most; the kind that flaunts it but pretends to hate the attention. As I have said before on my invaded blog, you know you are going to get looked at and you love it. You know it, we know it, the boys know it.

Men can't even cry without people staring at them with condescending looks that scream 'BE A MAN YOU WIMP'. They can't care about what they look like or else be labeled gay and ironically enough we all want good looking boys. They can't even say 'Yea, he's a good looking SOB' without being laughed and taunted at for days.

I mean take for example the Kit Kat ad for Sexy Curves or Tempting Curves or whatever the hell its called. It has the word curve in it and NO you guess wrong, it is not referring to breasts or behinds, curves mean the gorgeous mounds of muscle you see on mens arms. And there's a whole range of advertisements on tv where you see almost sinfully buff men in nothing but tight jeans gardening. HAH, gardening.

And it all comes down to this, Sex Sells. Be it to appeal to the women or to the men. Sex sells. It is a fact of life. And come on, admit it, you like watching hot non-human beings prance around in your face just as much as I like coffee because we all like beautiful people. The beautiful and the damned.